In dreams

ahhh, well my swelling from the lipo is going down now but i'm still fat! i weight the same how is that even possible after loosing 4 litres of fat from my body? so instead of being an almost size 16 my waist is like a size uk 12 but i still have to wear size 14 tops ...bloody bust and i have my size 14 hips urgh why am i never the way i want to be...i got so stressed i didnt eat for a week, then i stuffed myself on veal and gravy. i just dont get why i cant reach how i want to look like. well thats one rant over with. And now for my next one, why does my ex boyfriend keep breaking my heart, i was doing so well then he comes back into my life, i think i should start from the begining...
I met him when i was 19, i thought he was the perfect guy, until we had tis on off relationship because of his phobias. that was all well and good because i loved him and i thought he would tell me when he was ready. until he cheated on me, i mean i had my suspions but it wasn't until recently i found out. What really hurts is that he is dating her, but i didn't know this when i went to see him again. So i get some viscous messages on facebook, turns out his girlfriend thinks i'm a stalker when he's the one chasing after me. so i break contact with him back in may, until i get a random name on facebook adding me as a friend, i should have known it was him. I get the sob story, that he's sleeping on the sofa and that the only reason they are still together is that they can't afford to rent seperately. fair enough i said but what do you want from me? just to talk to someone who understands was his reply. then i get a random person texting me claiming to be his friend well i thought it could be either of the following a) him b) his girlfriend or actually a genuine friend. turns out itwas his girlfriend fishing for info, looks like m not the only girl he's chasing after. Now my self asteem is so low that i wonder if i should start taking my depression tablets once again. Its as if i am falling down the rabbit hole, and instead of landing safetly at the bottom i carry on falling into the abyss.

i'm stuck inside after having liposuction and the only thing to do is eat urgh! well i managed to convince my friend that i dont need anything heavy...getting away with salads and jacket potatoes....and i had a craving for rice crispies this morning which i gave into ....i feel fat and swollen :-(

thank you for all my supportive friends on here you are all stars and i value all of youe opinions! big hugs to you all xxx

I'm feeling spaced today, i'm feeling the pain from the liposuction, there is a lot of swelling that i wish would go down so i can see the results...i'll just have to wait it out...patience is ment to be a virtue ..but right now i wish it weren't lol

leave a message after the beep... if i hadn't payed for liposuction i think i would choose to chicken out. breathe just breathe.

I'm getting liposuction...on the 20th of this month i'm scared that something will go wrong ..the price we pay for looking good i'm wondering is it worth it ?

I'm lost within a sea of moving shadows and the darkness is looming in. As if it wants to consume me till nothing is left but mist of what once was. Everything seems to be getting on top of me this week, i've managed not to take my anti-depressants since before Christmas but now its seriously catching up with me. My weight is increasing and its not as if i've been eating more, i'm now on the atkins diet, are there any tips anyone can give me about this diet? Well i'm being dragged out tonight and i don't really want to go. My car broke down today at a set of taffic lights so i was bloking the way i felt like a first class idiot, until two irish guys came along to help push my car out the way. My friend says there is always a silver lining to everything even if its sometimes hard to see! xxx

i'm such a mess , it has gotten to the point i just don't care about anything. I made a trip to the doctors (which i hate doing) and now i'm on anti-depressants because my whole world is just one black abyss. They offered me counciling but my whole problem is i can't talk about it, when i tried to i got judged ahhh its just one huge hypocritical mess!

This is rediculous to look at me you wouldnt be able to tell im the kinda girl that binges and purges why? because all i do is gain weight. Sometimes i don't no why i bother, its all the stress! i think i need a hug. love to all kitty xx

my dad told me i put on weight told and told me not to get defensive. he made me feel like dirt thanks dad!

We live everyday doing chores, working, sleeping, eating and after a while it becomes a mundane existence. The things that make life worth living are though we love and care for, excitement, mischief, etc, and so we tangle ourselves in our own proverbial webs. A bit random of me i know but my head is a minefield of randomness! I'm still have problems with eating unfortunately this time i am having trouble stopping myself and so i begin to sink further into sea of nothingness, drowning trying to life my head for air.

Falling. Its not a feeling that many people like, i know for certain that i don't yet that is how i feel everyday when i wake up and that my life is passing by without my say. When i was 16 i was a size 22 for clothes. Well i'm 20 now and i have been on and off with my eating problems i'm now a size 14 but i did get down to a size 10 earlier this year. Now  have put weight on i feel horrible about myself. I'm now constantly weighing myself and i've gone on to what i call a liquid diet. I'm going back to uni next month after having a year off and i need to be confident how can i be if i always feel fat?!?